Are you looking to reach FIRE (financial independence and early retirement) but you’re not sure how to cut back on those so-called “face punch” worthy grocery bills?
You make six figures but don’t want to spend more than a few dollars on food a week?
Well no worries, I’ve got your FIRE diet right here! Paying as little as possible for food, “borrowing” from others, and using only free cooking methods are just some of the amazing tips I’ve got to share.
It’s easy to feed a family of five on just five dollars a week in a high cost of living area. I do it-so you can do it too! Just read on.
How To Save On Food-Top Tips For Eating the FIRE Way!
First, you want to have your diet be as bland, cheap, and repetitive as possible. That means rice, beans and expiring fruit make up most of your diet. Afraid the kids will complain? Just show them your bank account balance and I’m sure they’ll cheerfully eat their rice and beans for the 50th day in a row!
Next, you’ll want to score as much *free* food as humanly possible. Need some condiments? Fast food places, here you come! Now – don’t actually buy any fast food, that’s way out of your budget. Instead you want to go inside and claim you just went through the drive through, and they forgot your condiments. Is that lying? Sure but who needs ethics when there’s money on the line!
Continuing with the free food, dumpster diving is going to get you all kinds of goodies. This is where most of the variety in your diet will come from! Just watch out for police. Were you also concerned about rats, botulism, and mold? Well I think of them as a protien source, muscle relaxant, and free medicine!
Also, I don’t know why you would have friends, but I have them just to get their expiring food, and food scraps, before they throw it out. They all know to text me and leave a bag on the porch for me to pick up! I usually ask them to put the food scraps, peels, and such in a separate bag from the expiring food, but if they forget I’m not going to be Mrs. Picky over here.
How To Cook The FIRE Way
In keeping with trying to get costs down as much as possible, a true FIRE disciple will cook food in one of two ways:
– Ideally a literal fire, using branches you’ve found in the woods, next to the tent where you live in a friends backyard. Friends aren’t just for food anymore!
– If you insist on living inside, where an actual fire might be frowned upon, it’s also acceptable to use a hot plate you got in a Buy Nothing group from someone cleaning out their old college stuff.
While cooking you’ll want to make sure to use every single ingredient, and every part of each ingredient. Potato and onion peels, and broccoli stalks? Well you’ve got yourself some veggie soup! Have some banana peels? You’ve got yourself some moisturizer and wrinkle reducer! Waste not want not.
FIRE Food Is Only Fuel
You might think of food as a way to explore different cuisines around the world. Perhaps as the centerpiece of holidays. Something you do while spending time with friends.
But now you’ll want to change your mindset to see food as solely fuel. It doesn’t need to be enjoyable, or delicious, just barely edible.
Now be sure to quote unquote “enjoy” your food. If you start to get sick and tired of your diet, no worries. Just log into Mint or Personal Capitol or your bank account app and stare at your balance while you eat. You know that saying “hunger is the best sauce?” Well move over hunger, because “money is the best sauce” is coming right up behind you!
Although I have to say-if you’re so FIRE, I really hope you didn’t pay for cell service, WiFi or electricity to check those balances! If you did I’ll be over here judging you harshly.
Yes This Is An April Fools Joke
Look, there’s nothing wrong with rice and beans-they can be quite delicious! Using up food scraps (and bananas going bad) can be a great way to reduce food waste. No one likes brown bananas but everyone likes banana bread.
A lot of people think that folks in the FIRE movement try to live as cheaply as possible, with saving money their primary motivation, to then retire as early as possible and then live off almost nothing for the rest of their life. But there’s no need to take things to extremes that make your life miserable and unenjoyable.
Plenty of people save enough for their goals and enjoy the rest, including on meals out and quality food in. Some people like to make banana bread from overripe bananas and veggie peels/chicken bones into stock – less to save money and more to reduce food waste.
If this article made you laugh or smile, I hope you’ll pick up a food donation during your next grocery trip – something non perishable, high quality and delicious. And then bring it to a local food pantry. Millions of people in the second year of COVID are still struggling with job loss and food insecurity and your donation will mean a lot. And then share this article to spread the joke.
Happy eating!
The problem with being as smart and together as you are in your posts is you just can’t convince someone you just bought a new Mercedes or are living in a tent on April one. And you left off some frugal classics like ketchup soup!
I should totally have said I was buying a new house with a big fat mortgage! Ugh, missed opportunity there. And you’re so right, ketchup soup made with fast food ketchups should totally have been on the list.
Um Liz this is patently untrue. People who are committed to FIRE don’t do this… to anyone else reading, the real FIRE diet is actually learning how to photosynthesize and gain all your nutrients from the sun that streams to Earth free of charge. Don’t bother with beans and dumpsters when you can just slowly transform into a walking plant. Problem solved.
(Also, great post by the way 🙂)
Level 12 FIRE Veganism reached!!!
You had me going right up until the end. Thanks for the LOLs
😂 this was good.